I've always viewed life as anathema to the forces of the universe; light and warmth and sentience are all doomed to fade into oblivion, after all. Art and kindness are protestations against the machinery of entropy. I see myself firmly established in this continuum--a sort of heroic figure who embraces justice and love when decay and hate are so tempting and so omnipresent. I think I value that about myself. I think I want there to be a devil to rage against, even if that devil is simply an unfeeling inevitability that consumes us all.
But what if there is no cosmic war between order and chaos? What if it is all in harmony?
I was reading Marcus Aurelius today. He often speaks of the divinity of the mind, the Providence that lives inside our bodies. He poses a question in Book Twelve: If the gods made such astounding people on earth, how could they have fucked up so hard by letting these people die and their minds vanish forever? All throughout his Meditations he speaks of death as natural, and to not fear it because it is necessary. If this is the case, then surely it is necessary that those unique and intelligent people must also die. They are as part of nature as anything else.
I'm not sure why, but this sparked a feeling in me. It made me realize that as much as I love nature, I don't see myself as part of it. I see humanity (and by extension me) as transcendent, as fighting against entropy. I don't see us in harmony with nature, I see us locked in an eternal battle that we are destined to lose. It's no wonder I'm in a state of constant mourning. In my heroic fantasy, I have cast myself as the martyr who will be forgotten and whose cause will be lost. But I know that chaos isn't actively working against me--there are no demons in this world. No dark gods thirsting for human souls. The universe just is. I will be consumed and recycled by it, but not out of malice. Not out of hate or oppression. The things I do will have impact if I wish them to, they will alter the currents like a stone being tossed into a river.
I think I need to shift my worldview. I think as long as I picture myself locked in eternal battle with an unbeatable foe I'm going to be scared and sad. But maybe that foe isn't real. Maybe this entire time I think I've been holding back the flames of dragon, and if I can find a way to lower my shield I'll see that the heat I've felt has just been the rays of the sun.
